King Sombra becomes a Squirrel
by pjcrazy
Summary: This is a crack fic inspired by a prompt from Bucking Nonsense over at fimfiction when I was bored. King Sombra has returned from the dead, reincarnated as one of the most fearsome forms in the world...a squirrel. Not to be deterred, he tries to take over Equestria again. It goes as well as you might expect. Proofread by Bucking Nonsense too.


**PJCrazy proudly presents (with the help of Bucking Nonsense) the product of Writers Block+Extreme Boredom+Nothing Better To Do!**

**This is pure, unadulterated crackfic produced when I was really really bored. Bucking Nonsense shot me a prompt, and I thought 'Oh, heck, why not?" **

**Without further ado, **

**KING SOMBRA BECOMES A SQUIRREL!**

**Have fun reading!**

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The Everfree forest was peaceful today. Birds sang merrily, and a cockatrice slithered around the grass. Suddenly, there was a bright white flash in one of the trees, scaring away a flock of birds. The light faded to reveal…a squirrel.

The squirrel was perhaps one or two sizes larger than the average squirrel, but what set it apart from other squirrels was its jet black fur and his green eyes, with a slight hint of purple around them. Those eyes currently glared at everything around him in irritation. The squirrel blinked a couple of times, then grinned in satisfaction.

_**Well, well, well, that buffoon kept his promise after all. I'm alive again.**_

A few birds flapped over in curiosity, but the squirrel snarled at them and yelled gibberish. The birds hurriedly got out of the way and flew off in a huff. The squirrel strutted around its branch for a few minutes. After a moment, a thought struck him.

_**Since when have the birds grown to such an enormous size?**_

He took a long sweep of the surrounding area, before finally realizing that he was sitting on a tree branch. With dawning horror, King Sombra held up his paws for inspection, then slowly turned his head to consider his big bushy tail.

_**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGHHH!**__!_

Zecora was out in the forest, collecting herbs on this fine morning, when she was suddenly startled by the sound of something falling out of a tree nearby. Instantly on alert in case it was a cockatrice, manticore, or something worse, she was surprised to find that it was...a squirrel. A rather large black squirrel with an intimidating air about him, but still, undeniably a squirrel. The small creature stood up, rubbed its sore head, then started looking over its body, presumably checking for injuries.

"Now that is rare in Everfree: An agile squirrel fell from a tree!" She chuckled, poking it lightly with her hoof.

The squirrel was not amused. It glared at her, then started dancing about, screaming gibberish. Angry gibberish.

_**I'm a squirrel! I'm a squirrel! I'm a rodent! Of all the creatures I could have reincarnated into, I became a squirrel?! This cannot be happening to me. Curse you to the depths of Tartarus, you treacherous loon! Curse you, Discord! I'm a squirrel! I'm a squirrel!**_

Zecora chuckled quietly. She couldn't deny she found the sight of a squirrel running around randomly and jabbering away slightly amusing. She put a hoof put the squirrel's mouth, then said, "I cannot understand a word you say, please, plainly, explain your dismay?"

The squirrel pushed her hoof off his mouth, shooting her a dirty look. If glares could kill, Zecora should have been reduced to a crimson stain stretching over fifteen miles of hinterland. Instead, she simply looked at the black squirrel in confusion as it ranted.

_**Leave me alone, you vapid, two-toned, dimwitted nag, and DO NOT TREAT ME LIKE A SQUIRREL! I AM NOT A SQUIRREL! I AM KING SOMBRA OF THE CRYSTAL EMPIRE!**_

Zecora raised an eyebrow. "I cannot follow your chattering speech, but I can hear the insult in your screech." She was quickly losing patience with this furry curmudgeon.

A thought occurred to the squirrel, and it tentatively reached out a paw and bonked her forehead.

_**Submit to your Master, little pony. What is it you fea**__**r?**_

Zecora rubbed her forehead, frowning. "Enough is enough, you fuzzy pain! I hope never to see you again!" In a huff, she left, angrily muttering to herself about the quality, or lack thereof, of the wildlife in the Everfree Forest.

The squirrel blinked, then cursed soundly. He scampered to a branch not far away and glared at it, willing it to rise.

A timberwolf was taking a leisurely walk through the forest when it noticed a squirrel seemingly having a staring contest with a branch. Beads of sweat were rolling down the tiny creature's brow, and it's forehead was scrunched in fierce concentration. The timberwolf paused. The squirrel was obviously cracked in the head, but meat was meat.

Sombra glared at the piece of wood, then muttered a string of obscenities unheard siin a millenium. He touched his forehead and groaned when he realized that his horn was gone, and his magic with it. Suddenly, the piece of wood rose. Sombra laughed for the first time in ages. Perhaps his magic was coming back! His eyes followed the floating branch, all the way to the timberwolf where it attached itself to its back. Sombra's eyes widened.

"The Faust is a red-headed thunder-monkey," Sombra swore softly, then broke out in a dead run, the predator on his tail.

Somehow, the squirrel managed to reach safety on one of the trees, and made an obscene gesture at the timberwolf (one of the perks of having paws). After a few minutes, the creature lost interest in its now unattainable meal, and stalked off in search of easier prey.

Once certain that the timberwolf was gone, Sombra climbed down from the tree, then journeyed deeper into the forest. He needed to rethink his strategy of conquest.

Princess Twilight Sparkle was seemingly buried behind a wall of books, gleefully reading everything she deemed interesting inside the great library of the Castle of the Pony Sisters. Spike, meanwhile, had gotten bored and was busy exploring the castle.

In the middle of an extremely engaging tome on the subject of castle maintenance, Twilight's ears caught the sound of someone screaming. She jumped to her hooves at once, and Twilight rushed towards the door in alarm, concerned that somepony might be in danger. Suddenly Spike burst into the library in a panic, nearly braining Twilight with the door.

Clearly panicked, Spike yelled out, "It wants to kill me!" He ran behind Twilight, and began cowering in fear behind Twilight. The princess immediately assumed a fighting stance, hooves outstretched, wings spread, horn flaring with enough energy to knock out an Ursa Minor. A dark shadow filled the hallway, and it seemed, for a moment, that an ogre brandishing a club was advancing upon them. After a moment, the marauder fully came into view, revealing itself to be... a squirrel. A big, angry-looking squirrel armed with a small tree branch, but still, just a tiny little nut-gatherer.

_**That beast! That scaled fiend! He was the cause of my downfall! Stealer of the Crystal Heart! I SHALL FEAST UPON YOUR HEART THIS DAY! DIE DIE DIE!**_

The dragon yelped and ducked behind the purple pony once again. Sombra cocked an eyebrow, examining the mare. She looked familiar… His eyes widened again as he realized who she was. The one who had set off the trap! The companion of the dragon! Funny, though, he was pretty sure she didn't have wings the last time he saw her. Anyways, it was time for sweet, delicious, vengeance, with a side of violence.

Twilight raised an eyebrow as the squirrel launched itself at her, jabbering wildly while waving his tiny stick at her. Before the squirrel could reach her, she enveloped it with a bubble of purple magic. She couldn't resist giggling slightly at the sight of the squirrel, trapped inside her magic about twenty inches in front of her face, snarling and yelling and generally trying to look threatening... and failing. "Aww, Spike, were you scared of this teensy widdle squirrelly-whirly?"

"You don't understand, Twilight! That squirrel is evil!"

_**Finally! Someone that takes me seriously**__._

Twilight giggled again. "It's obviously just a squirrel that woke up on the wrong side of the branch." She leaned closer to the squirrel, and asked, "Aren't you, little guy?" She hurriedly jerked her head back just in time to avoid a angry swipe of the branch. "Hey! Now that's just rude," she said with a frown.

_**LET ME DOWN YOU INSOLENT PURPLE PONY! I SWEAR, WHEN I GET MY BODY BACK, YOU, THAT SCALED FREAK, AND THAT ZEBRA WILL BE THE FIRST TO SUFFER! I AM KING SOMBRA OF THE CRYSTAL EMPIRE! RULER OF THE NORTHERN KINGDOM! KEEPER OF THE CRYSTAL HEART, THE INSTRUMENT OF YOUR DOOOOM! PUT ME DOOOOOWN!**_

"What's it saying, Twilight?"

"Do I look like I speak squirrel?"

The squirrel let out a groan of frustration and folded his arms, settling for glaring daggers at the pair. If looks could kill, this one would have scorched the world to cinders.

Spike, puzzled, asked, "So what now?"

After a moment, Twilight said, "I...think we should take this one to Fluttershy."

"Hello there Mr. Squirrel! What seems to be the problem?" The soft, weak, but admittedly quite cute looking pegasus asked.

"_**You will address me as King Sombra of the Crystal Empire, Ruler of the Northern Kingdom, Master of the Crystal Ponies, Bearer of your Doom**__,_" Sombra sulked.

"Oh...oh my, that's a long name." The pegasus said softly.

One of his ears perked up. Finally, some good news! Sombra asked, "_**You can understand my speech, peasant?**_**"**

"Um, well, I understand the speech of most little critters," Fluttershy admitted, bashfully.

"_**EXCELLENT. Now, I, King Sombra, your Master, demand that you tell the world of who I am, and charge the greatest mages of the age to restore my body to me. Do this, and you will be richly rewarded beyond your wildest imaginings. My gratitude shall know no bounds, and I may even be tempted to spare one of your friends from nightmarish firestorm of vengeance that I would normally unleash upon them.**_**"**

Worried, the pegasus asked, "Are...are you really King Sombra? from the Crystal Empire?"

"_**But of course, my dear pony. I presume you have heard of my grandeur and fame.**_**"**

"Actually, I saw you being defeated by Cadence and the Crystal Ponies."

Angrily, the squirrel exclaimed, **"T****HAT WASN'T A DEFEAT, THAT WAS A MINOR SETBACK!" ** He followed that up with a string of epithets that immediately caused Fluttershy to turn bright red, as Sombra described, in detail, exactly what he intended to do with everypony who had wronged him. And their families. And their friends. And their neighbors. And their pets. And then he went on about how he would put their corpses on display as a warning to others who might try to oppose him...

As he wound down, Fluttershy said, "I don't care who you are, Sombra, that sort of language is not allowed in my cottage!"

Sombra shot her a glare.** "**_**Are you willing to help me conquer the Crystal Empire and throw down the Pink Usurper or not?**_**"**

"Um...no. if that's okay with you."

Sombra threw up his paws in frustration and left the house grumbling in a high pitched voice. He made to slam the door, but saw the white devil rabbit glaring at him, holding a carrot threateningly. Slowly, he eased the door shut, then continued on his way.

"What do you mean he got away?!" Twilight demanded frantically.

"Well...um...he seemed to be in a hurry…" Fluttershy shrank back.

Twilight paced around the room, muttering to herself. "This is bad, this is really really bad! What will the princess say when she finds out?!"

"Twilight..." Spike started.

"What would she do when she finds out I've just allowed a potential threat to Equestria to escape?!"

"Twilight..."

"This is a really, really serious threat! Especially with his newfound ability to shapeshift, he could be anypony! Or any critter!"

"Actually - "Fluttershy began.

"Once Princess Celestia or Princess Cadence finds out I've allowed Sombra to walk free, they'll...they'll - "

"TWILIGHT!" Both Spike and Fluttershy yelled, snapping her out of her rant.

"Yes?" Twilight demanded.

Fluttershy sighed. "Firstly, I doubt that Sombra can use magic or shapeshift."

"Why?!"

"Because earlier he was asking me to help him find somepony to change him back," Fluttershy explained.

Twilight blinked. "Oh. That makes things loads simpler!"

"And secondly," Spike began, dryly, "If you're that worried about him getting away, why not get the girls to start searching for him at once? And the CMC? In fact, why not put out a bounty on him: I'm pretty sure princesses can do that."

"Great idea Spike! Now, Fluttershy, help me spread the news! I want all the Elements ready and get them to capture that black squirrel at fast as possible! Spike, put the word out! A hundred bits to anypony who can capture Sombra the Squirrel!" The purple alicorn dashed out of the cottage and took to the air.

Spike shrugged. "Well, looks like today's going to be another one of _those_ days…

Sombra scampered as fast as he could towards his goal.

First order of business would be to reach the Crystal Empire. He needed to get to his domain. Once there, he would commence his plan to retake his city, and make his subjects tremble in fear. How he would do that? He would work that out when he got there.

Actually, first things first, he had to actually get there. He needed to take the train, since on his tiny little legs, it would take a long, long time to get anywhere...

Not so easy when you had six multicolored ponies on your tail... not to mention other problems.

"There you are you little varmint!" Oh dear, it was that Strong Orange one again.

Sombra yelled a curse that would have burned the ears off of anypony who heard it and took off. Unfortunately, the meaning was probably lost in translation and the orange one barely gave pause (Although the Soft Yellow One gave a small squeak of dismay at such talk). Sombra ducked behind a convenient cart and waited, holding his branch ready to strike. When the orange one got close enough, he hurriedly swung the branch as hard as he could. He had aimed for the face, but his swing was too low, whacking her legs instead. Still, it had met its intended purpose, tripping the pony and making her plant her face into the ground. Sombra gave a triumphant yell and was on his way.

"Um, could you please stop? We need to capture you! Please!"

Sombra ignored the pegasus and threw a rock at her. She immediately squeaked and ducked for cover.

He spotted the White Whining One some paces away. He knew how to deal with her. He scooped up a pawful of mud and chucked it at her.

"Urgh! You monster! You've gotten mud all over my coat! How dare you!"

Sombra grinned as he scampered off. He might not have magic, but his cunning had not deserted him at all.

"STOP IN THE NAME OF EQUESTRIA! OR SOMETHING!" The Purple Thief yelled, trying to catch him with her magic. He yelped and ducked under an apple cart. Unfortunately, he had misjudged her magical strength,as the entire cart levitated itself. Still, it gave him ample time to escape before she managed to put it down.

"Come back here, you mangy freak!" The Loud Blue one was coming. Sombra rolled his eyes. He knew just how to handle this one. He waited until she was almost upon him, then jumped up and went full attack mode.

"Aaaaaargh! Stop that! my mane! OW! Hey! Stop pulling at my coat! AARGH YOU BIT ME!" The tomboyish pegasus crashed into a lamp post, and fell to the ground, dazed. Sombra scampered off triumphant.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER SQUIRREL HUNTERS! YAY!" Sombra groaned. These three again. On the bright side, these three fillies had a tendency to cause more commotion than Discord with a toothache wherever they went. He could work that pandemonium in his favor. After carefully scampering around a huge mousetrap, turning his nose up at the obvious trail of nuts leading to box held up by a stick tied to a rope, and taking the high ground when they started throwing nets at him, he left them turning the small town's market upside down searching for him, taking advantage of the commotion to disappear quietly.

The pink one was the hardest to evade. She had this extremely disconcerting ability to pop up anywhere in a manner that could only be called 'random'. But still, she was easily distracted. All it took was a quick trip into the too bright, too pink cake house and her pursuit stopped almost instantly.

At long last, he reached the train station and smuggled himself aboard. He breathed a sigh of relief.

_**The Crystal Empire. I return, my subjects….Crystals… Stairs...**_

Huh, were crystal stairs a thing? If they were not, Sombra would soon see to it that they would be...

Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, 'Cadence' to one and all, had a happy smile on her face as she trotted around the Crystal Empire. She greeted all the crystal ponies with a smile and a cheerful wave, and they in turn bowed slightly in respect. As far as she could see, everything was calm and peaceful, and her subjects were happy. All was right in the Crystal Empire.

Suddenly a great commotion sounded from the train station. Intrigued, she quickly took wing and soared the rest of the way, landing softly near the tracks. There seemed to be a ruckus in which six very familiar ponies were running frantically all around the train station, all carrying various pieces of equipment. Fluttershy was equipped with a butterfly net, Applejack was armed with a big apple basket, Pinkie Pie hopped around with a fishbowl, and Rainbow wielded a large sledgehammer. Rarity herself was dressed in a hazard suit, while Twilight was trying her best to locate whatever they were searching for with a large net. Cadence couldn't help chuckling at the sight as she walked over to them.

"Hello Twily! How nice of you to visit me!" She sang out. "Are those presents for me?" She asked, teasingly.

Twilight immediately dropped the huge net, mortified. "Cadence! Uh...well…"

Cadence arched an eyebrow. "No greeting?"

Twilight skittered around nervously, her eyes frantically darting throughout the station. "Um, sorry Cadence, there's a... a…heh heh...escaped pet of Fluttershy's in this station! We're trying to find it before it gets away!" She explained.

A cheer sounded from somewhere in the station. "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS SQUIRREL HUNTERS! YAAAY!"

Twilight facehoofed.

Cadence laughed. "Oh? Perhaps I should help you search as well!"

"NO!" Twilight cried, her wings flaring. Catching herself, she gave a sheepish chuckle. "I mean...um...don't you have more important things to do?"

"More important than spending time with my favorite sister in law? Never," the pink princess said with a smile.

Twilight gave a groan. She considered commenting on how she was Cadance's only sister-in-law, but there's a time and place for that. "Alright, alright...um…alright." She gave a nervous gulp.

Cadence grinned as she summoned a butterfly net of her own. "Excellent, what does it look like?"

"Weeeeell, it's a squirrel. A black squirrel, large one, very mean." Twilight stated slowly. Just as she finished speaking, Rainbow yelled, "LOOK OUT!"

Cadence ducked low just in time, as a squirrel wielding a large stick (Well,. larger than most squirrels could carry) narrowly missed her head, flying harmlessly over her and smacking into a wall, before hitting the ground with a thud. The dazed squirrel stood up, trying to get its bearings again, then focused on her, pure hatred in his eyes. With a shrill scream, it tried to attack her again. Cadence grabbed the little critter in her magic and held it a couple of inches in the air, studying it closely.

"And what...is this?" She asked Twilight.

"Uh….um…" Twilight struggled to come up with something.

The squirrel jabbered out a line of some words that sounded really bad, even to Cadence. Fluttershy turned bright red, and fainted in shock.

The squirrel made a rude gesture with its paw.

"Twilight?" Cadence pushed.

"Alright, alright. According to Fluttershy…" Twilight sighed. "That's Sombra."

Cadence's face was blank. "What?"

"That squirrel right there is Sombra...um...regenerated? reincarnated? Something like that. We're not really sure how or why, but Fluttershy says he claims to be Sombra." Twilight explained. "And while that's theoretically impossible, given that there are -"

"Point is," Rainbow interjected, cutting Twilight off from a long rant. "That squirrel is evil! It tried to murder me!"

"And me!" Spike raised his hand.

"And apparently, me." Cadence took another look at the squirrel. It sat enclosed in her magic, looking extremely disgruntled. Seeing her look over, it blew a raspberry, then repeated its rude gesture with both paws.

"So…" she looked at the squirrel. "Sombra? But...how?"

The squirrel huffed and squirmed, trying to escape her magic while shooting her a death glare worthy of putting a hole in the moon. It rattled off another long string of gibberish. Fluttershy, having been revived by her friends, almost passed out again, then after steeling herself, made sense of Sombra's demented ravings.

"He says he prefers to be addressed as King Sombra, Ruler of the Northern Kingdom, Master of the Crystal Ponies, Emperor of the Crystal Empire and the Bearer of your Doom." Fluttershy translated. "He also just gave a full and - " she shuddered, "...very gory account which I'm not going to translate of what he would do to the _Damned Bastard_ Spirit, the Pink Usurper, the Purple Spy and the Scaly Heartstealer once he gets his paws on them. And everypony else who has ever opposed him. Or thought about opposing him."

The squirrel nodded, swinging his branch for emphasis. He pointed to Cadence, then to himself, swished his 'sword' and drew a finger across his throat.

Cadence raised an eyebrow, looking over to Fluttershy.

"He says he challenges you to a duel to the death."

Cadence glanced back at the squirrel and shook her head. "Not likely." Still holding him tightly in her magic, she floated him over to a huge cage which the three crusaders had brought and plopped him inside gently, sealing it up tight. The squirrel uttered a loud curse and went to sulk in the corner, turning around to glare every once in a while.

"I believe that is my work." A smug voice called from nowhere.

Everypony present perked up their ears in shock, then similar expressions of "_I should have known"_ appeared in their eyes.

"Discord." Twilight said flatly.

"The one and only!" Discord appeared in a flash of light dressed in a magician's outfit, complete with the pointy hat. Upon spotting him, Sombra went into a frenzy, leaping onto the bars and baring his teeth, snarling and cursing. Discord tsked gently, waving a finger in front of the bars, grinning in delight as Sombra continually tried to give his hand an amputation. "Now now, I'll have you know I did _not _break my end of the deal. You're alive again, aren't you?"

"Discord, explain." Cadence demanded.

Discord shrugged. "Okay, fine." He pulled out a huge, thick storybook out of nowhere and flipped it open. "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away." He blinked. "Hold on, wrong story." Hastily, he flipped to another section. "In a hole in the ground, there lived a -' Oops, wrong story." More flipping. "Aha! Here we go. Once upon a time in the magical land of Equestria…"

"Get on with it!" Rainbow yelled.

Discord rolled his eyes. "Sheesh. Some ponies just don't appreciate classic literature." He skimmed through the text. "Let's see. Thousand years ago, some time after the founding of Equestria. Equestria begins extending friendship with Northern Kingdom, the Crystal Empire. They form an alliance, bla bla bla. Uppity unicorn by the name of Sombra finds a book of dark magic and becomes a huge smokey unicorn thingy and prepares to take over the Crystal Empire. But before he attacks, he made a contingency plan and made a deal with _moi._ Deal is, if he dies, I bring him back to life. He gets another shot, I get to be highly amused, win win solution!" He grinned.

"Aaaaand?" Twilight prodded.

Discord chuckled. "Of course, I got a little delayed on my promise, due to the whole...stone thing, but hey, never let it be said I don't keep my promises."

Fluttershy frowned. "But why is he a squirrel? Not that we're complaining, of course."

"Hey, first rule of dealing with me, _or was it twentieth?_ Always be specific about what you want." Discord folded his arms smugly. "He didn't specify _what _he wanted to come back as, did he? So I picked a from for him and _voila!"_ He took of his hat and pulled a disgruntled squirrel out of the hat. He then hurriedly tossed the squirrel back into the cage and slammed the door shut before it could bite him. "Now now. that's just rude." He stepped back and surveyed the cage. "You gotta admit it's a huge improvement. eh?"

When nopony answered him, he shrugged. "Eh. tough crowd. I'm going off to annoy Celly and Lulu now." He popped off in a burst of sound and light.

"So…what are we going to do with him now?" Rainbow piped up. "Are we going to blast him with the Crystal Heart again?"

Twilight rubbed her forehead. "I don't know. It's not everyday a huge terrifying enemy who was defeated before comes back as a squirrel!"

"Perhaps we could leave him at a local pet store?" Fluttershy ventured.

"He'd probably scare away all the customers," Applejack returned dryly.

"He's too dangerous to leave running around," Cadence decided in a resigned tone.

"But we can't lock him up forever, can we?" Pinkie queried. "That would make him so sad!"

Cadence lifted the cage with her magic, bringing it towards the Crystal Castle. "Follow me...I may or may not have a solution in mind."

Sombra chewed away idly at a nut. After finishing it, he snapped his tiny fingers, and the crystal pony assigned to him dropped another one into his outstretched paw, giggling as he began to feast. Sombra rolled his eyes. The filly obviously thought that he was some kind of valued pet. Well, she was wrong. Still, her giggling was somewhat adorable, so he would forgive her for it.

One of the guards shot him a suspicious look. He grinned toothily, and the guard hurriedly looked away. Sombra chuckled. He hadn't lost his touch.

He was already in position in the Crystal Palace. So what if he was in an guarded enclosure? He was inside his castle again! He had all the food he could eat, guards to intimidate, and a crystal pony at his beck and call. One day, he would emerge again to take over the Crystal Empire! Then the world! Once he finished eating these very delicious nuts...

Life was good, he supposed. If need be, he could get used to this.

A nut hit him. Growling and chattering various curses, he looked up to see one of the other creatures that the Pink Usurper kept in her private garden. One of the peasant chipmunks had the audacity to chuck a pebble at him! Sombra let out a battle cry and took after the terrified peasant. A thought struck him as began disciplining the mangy rodent for its impertinence. Perhaps he could start another empire right here and now! King Sombra, Lord Of The Forests! That has a nice ring to it. Heh heh heh…

END

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**Please review!**


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